On Forgetting

Last night I was reminded of how forgetful I am.

My state isn’t due to my old age (though I hate to be reminded of how close my next birthday is) but instead, it’s a result of my humanity.

I was hanging out with a friend last night – discussing things that friends discuss – when the topic of men came up. The whole night my friend had been telling me about a situation between her and a guy and finally, at the end of the night she turned the question back on me. “I’ve been talking this whole night about *James and this whole time I haven’t even asked you if there’s any boy news in your life.

The answer, of course, was no. But it wasn’t exactly no. “You know, I feel like God really doesn’t like me or something because it’s just not happening for me.” I was joking, but there was a layer of truth to it. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop being single and it was starting to become the norm for me.  It got to the place where I wondered if I’d ever even be in a relationship again before I died.

I jokingly related this event to my brother last night on the phone. His reply was a bit surprising. “You know, it’s funny you said that because *Stephanie and I were just talking about how blessed you are. You look at everything you’ve been through with the disease and stuff and you’re just doing so well. It’s really funny you would say that because I think the opposite is true.”

When he said that, I knew he was right. But not in a bad way where I felt ashamed for even positing the idea that God could hate me but more like in a comforted way. I was reminded of how much God really has been in my corner for everything. I was reminded that I’m loved.

It’s funny how, when we don’t get the things we think we want, we feel unloved. But I’m grateful that the reminder of God’s love – at least this time – didn’t come from being hit over the head or shamed into saying that I was actually blessed. It came from a subtle nudge, a reminder that things aren’t nearly as bad as I like to make them seem. So I’m really glad that God used my brother to remind me that He loves me.

 

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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