Proactive

My biggest problem in life has always been that I’ve had Hamlet syndrome. It’s that thing where I think way too much before doing things and then things end up pretty horribly for me. I was actually telling someone about this last night over tacos.

When I look back over the past few years of my life and how things have turned out, I don’t regret many decisions I’ve made. What I do regret is the time it’s taken me to make some of my decisions. I’m actually not doing something right now that I really want to do but I’m just “waiting for the right moment”.

Waiting for the right moment is sometimes a legit concern. But sometimes there isn’t a right moment. Or sometimes it doesn’t matter. I realized this over the summer after bringing up a concern to my brother. It was one I’d had for a few months but I hadn’t said anything because either it wasn’t my place or I didn’t want to be too pushy or I figured things would blow over. Eventually, my hand was forced and I had to say something. Things worked out okay, but it was one of those things that would’ve been better dealt with earlier on.

This really is one of my most unfortunate flaws but it’s something I’ve known since high school. (I wrote my college essay about how I was like Hamlet!) Still, it doesn’t seem that bad when nothing bad comes from it. That’s the logic I tend to use to justify this horrible character deficiency. But in reality, bad does come from it. Five people die when Hamlet is just trying to kill one. Likewise, I put other people through more pain when I’m just trying to wait it out on my own. In the end, I hurt myself and someone else.

I can’t actually remember the reason I was thinking about this, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about all week. It’s certainly relevant to decisions I have (or haven’t) made this week in my life, which may be why it’s on my mind, but I feel like there was something else…

In any case, I’m trying to be more proactive. I don’t want to wait until it’s too late to say what I’ve been feeling for months. I don’t want to wait until it’s irrelevant to do what I’ve been contemplating for weeks. I don’t want to wait for my life to be over. (Sorry, I had to put that in.)

Admittedly, I don’t know how to become more proactive. I don’t know if I should train myself or just start randomly doing things without thinking too much about them. *** Funny side note: I sometimes have the opposite problem and do things without thinking. That’s way less frequent and is usually accompanied with intense pride and stupidity, but it has happened once or twice, with really horrible results.***

I want to be better at being honest in a timely fashion. That is all.

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