An Outlet

I’m looking for an outlet for all my thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

This blog used to be an outlet, but it’s hard for me to let things out here without the double-edged sword of knowledge that when you let something out on the internet, you’ve let it out into the world.

I want to learn how to give up things that aren’t good for me and give up myself for things that aren’t bad for me.

I don’t want this blog, and especially this post, to read like the musings of an angsty teenager.

I can’t help the fact that this post is sounding like the musings of an angsty teenager.

I really like babies and I must be at my reproductive peak because I keep thinking of ways to have one.

I really like men and I must be ovulating because I keep thinking of ways to have one.

I’m not even ovulating though.

I always think I’m stressed about school and work and academics but I think I’m actually stressed about relationships and romance and intimacy.

I’m definitely stressed about intimacy.

I was on the subway the other day and a guy kept leaning back onto my hand and I thought about how much physical intimacy I lack in my life.

I also thought about that joke from 30 Rock.

Invariably, I wonder why my 20s are so exciting but also so painful.

I try to figure out how to recapture the good days from the past so that my future can be better.

As always, I wonder if I’m letting things persist that should have been over years ago.

I convince myself I’m not.

Then I convince myself I am.

Then I watch TV so I can stop thinking about these deep yet stressful questions.

Sometimes, I want to stay home.

Not home as in my apartment, but home like where my family is.

Sometimes, I want to go to Princeton and just hang out with Ravonne.

Then I remember that I can’t recreate the past.

Then I remember that sometimes relationships are lopsided and sometimes, when you’re on the wrong side, that hurts.

It doesn’t always hurt though.

It doesn’t usually hurt.

Now I’m getting choked up.

Now I wish there were someone to talk to.

Now I wonder if there ever will be.

I’m remembering the few people who ever have been.

One is in Princeton.

The other is in Rome.

The other is back home.

Not in my apartment, in my hometown.

I think I’m going to go to sleep now.

Sleep is always a good outlet.

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