I wish I could give a good reason for not posting in a while but, alas, I cannot. I’m still a little rusty with the blogging thing.
There was a song that I would always hear on the radio – I don’t remember when – that went, “I got that summertime, summertime sadness”. I never listened to any of the other words of the song so I don’t really know what it was about other than summertime sadness. I’ll link to it. Maybe I’ll listen to it too!
Anyway, I don’t have summertime sadness. At least, not exactly. Summertime is the most exciting time of my year. Life slows down a little, families spend more time together, friends get married, people travel – it’s great! But summer is the worst spiritual time of the year for me. I used to think it was because of having the Christian ministry at school and not having it back home but I don’t think that’s the case.
I’ve found that the times I’m closest to God are when I’m farther from everyone else. I guess that’s the operative thought behind retreats: get away from people so you can get close to God. That fact lets me know that I’m not alone in this feeling – other people are the same way in their relationships with God.
Is it too much to ask to be close to friends & family and close to God, though? In some ways, I feel like I’m missing out on something but in other ways it doesn’t faze me much. That feeling – feeling like you’re missing out but not really wanting to do anything about it – is one of the worst feelings. It’s a self-inflicted torture. It’s like going to a party and feeling isolated but not starting a conversation with anyone. It’s a sort of ambivalence. I clearly don’t want to feel far from God but I clearly don’t want to do anything to change that.
“Do” is an odd word, because it implies some sort of strong agency on my part. As if “doing” puts me in closer relationship with God. But I don’t mean “do” like that. I don’t mean simply acting (or better put, “actioning”). I “do” and “perform” and “work” for God all the time. But that “doing” when unaccompanied by “drawing” leaves much to be desired.
I’ve mentioned before about how I’m sort of running on fumes. Honestly, that kind of running is the most exhausting. You just get by. I want to be able to be close to God without separating myself from everyone/everything else. Maybe that’s a lot to ask. I honestly don’t know. I think about ascetic monks and how they felt that being close to God meant being removed from the world. Or the less extreme example of the mountaintop experience you have on a retreat.
But maybe it’s not that hard. Maybe it’s just a matter of spending my alone time with God. It’s true that I don’t have to retreat that far to get away. I’ve been at home by myself for the last few days (my whole family is out of town, leaving me at home to take care of myself). I’ve spent most of my time watching TV, talking on the phone, playing FIFA, eating, playing that Kim Kardashian game on my phone and driving (not at the same time. I don’t play games on my phone while I’m driving. I just spend a lot of time driving in general). Some of those things are good, others are neutral, and others are just wasteful (I’m looking at you, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood). None of those things had to do with God.
I’m learning, though. One day at a time.
P.S. – Summertime Sadness – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVjsGKrE6E8
P.P.S – It’s by Lana Del Rey! I always hear people talk about her but I never knew this was her song! Learned something new! I could live without this song, though. It’s ok, not that great. Her voice is cool but the instrumentation is really annoying me…