It’s been a while. During that time I’ve been kind of busy but I’ve mostly been kind of lazy. Much too lazy to write anything here. Which is why I gave up writing things here. But since I made that decision, I’ve noticed a few things.
1. Nothing gets done.
I mean, technically, a lot of things get done. I write up lesson plans when I’m supposed to. I grade papers. I create FB groups. I schedule meetings. But I’m not motivated to do any of those things. At least not really. I have a tiny ounce of determination left in me and that’s where I find the strength to do everything I need to do. Otherwise, I’d be doing nothing.
2. I think less.
About almost everything. This is neither good nor bad, just something I’ve noticed. I don’t spend as much time alone with my thoughts. I just live and do. No reflection, no thoughts.
3. I interact less.
This sounds weird because being off your computer should make you interact with people more often but it doesn’t. At least not in the way I thought it would. I still talk to people and interact with them but I care much less about those interactions. They aren’t as meaningful to me. And I don’t really mind completely skipping those interactions. It just seems less important.
4. I spend less time with God.
I never realized how important this blog had become to my spiritual life. I spent a lot of time writing about the overlap between my faith and my life which meant I spent a lot of time thinking about those things which meant I spent a lot of time thinking about God. Idle thoughts turned into useful communication. But for the past few weeks, there hasn’t been much of that.
All these things have been happening and I don’t know if all of them are because of my lack of writing or if they’re completely independent of that. And I don’t think it’s good that these things have happened. I don’t think I should have to blog to spend time with God or talk to my friends or work or reflect on things. But I see that it helps.
When I decided to stop writing here, it was because I saw myself using this space as a place to write out completely random thoughts, vent about life, and unload meaningless information. I want to do less of that and more of the other stuff. More of the stuff where I remember how awesome God is and just write an essay about that. Or when I think about the mysteries of life/the mysteries of the gospel. Or when I do anything productive.
For some reason, I feel this pressure associated with this blog and these responsibilities I have. I guess that’s not completely surprising but it is weighty. Sometimes I just feel burdened by everything. But I’ll try to write here more. Regardless of the burden I feel. (Hopefully) not as a way to procrastinate, but as a way to work through it.