“Whatever you do, He will make good of it. But not the good He had prepared for you if you had obeyed him.” – C.S. Lewis

This is a really timely quote I saw on my Twitter feed. I’m kind of at this place right now where I’m wondering what will come of my disobedience, or at least, what I sometimes think was disobedience. On the one hand, it’s cool to know that “He will make good of it” but on the other hand it’s sobering to be reminded that it’s “not the good He had prepared for you if you had obeyed Him.” I’m also trying to figure out stuff. Like, there’s a part of me that’s like, well, you were obedient. But the other part’s like, but was/is there a time limit on that obedience? IDK. It’s hard to explain and sometimes when I try to think about it, it seems like a dumb thing. But I guess we’ll see eventually. 

The more I think of it though, the more I’m convinced that in some way, there was/is a time limit. During that time, a lot happened. A lot of trusting had to be learned. There was a lot of disappointment.

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In other news (actually, this is very closely related news but who cares), I’m waiting to hear back from one last grad program. Even though I got into a program, I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder because in a lot of ways I feel like it wasn’t completely my doing. But as I write this I realize that I’ll probably always have a chip on my shoulder. I’ll never think I was good enough. I’ll always wonder why. It doesn’t matter where I get in, there will probably always be a part of me that thinks I just got in because of [X]. That’s not a fun philosophy to have. It makes good news so much less exciting. In my perfect universe (which is such a silly thing to say because duh), I would earn everything I have. But, admittedly, that kind of thinking has led to some callousness on my part, recently. I’ll elaborate later. But now I gotta go.

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