This song by Sarah Mclachlan has always been a favorite of mine but I never really listened to the words (other than the chorus).
After class today, I walked over to the CAPS building (Counseling and Psychological Services). I thought it would be a good idea. Since it was a walk-in appointment, I sat in the waiting room for about an hour and a half before I talked to someone. During most of that time waiting, I contemplated walking out. I’m not good at recognizing my sickness in general (whenever I go to get my monthly MS meds I look around the room and wonder why I’m lumped in with all of these sicker people). When it comes to mental health awareness, I’m even worse. I usually attribute any negative emotions to having a bad day and I’m not great at seeing my own weaknesses. But today it was different.
(I’m going to use code names for people from now on, because duh, why haven’t I always done that?.)
I was texting my friend Adele today, just saying hey and catching up. After a few texts, the conversation switched to my mental/emotional state (in a classy way. Adele would never just straight up ask me if I was crazy. Maybe she would. That wouldn’t be the worst thing). We decided we would talk about it later. Adele, if you’re reading this, which I know you often do, here’s an explanation for what happened next. After we made the decision to talk later, I was completely repulsed. Maybe that’s not the right word. Whatever, my stomach was like aldkfjwoaeihnknfoawho. Not because I didn’t want to talk to Adele or because she wasn’t going to be able to talk to me for hours (she had previously let me know we could chat, but not for too long) but because I didn’t like what was happening.
I don’t want to go through life, having ruined all of my friendships because I treated my friends like therapists. So I decided to talk to a therapist/counselor instead of over-burden my friends. It felt like a smarter decision.
Anyway, I was talking to the counselor (it was only a 15 minute meeting where we talked about my basic problem and set up another appt.) and thinking about my relationships with people in Philly. Most of the people in the program make me really disappointed in myself so I try to spend as little time with them as possible. I hang out with John Mayer (code name) a decent amount but that often feels empty and I haven’t wanted to do that a lot lately. That’s really the problem I wanted to bring up with the counselor. On the one hand, I’ve been feeling really lonely here but on the other hand I don’t like many of my friendship options.
I feel like I’m looking for something or someone that doesn’t actually exist. I’ve actually felt this way for a while now, it’s just that my life has been so crazy for the past year and a half that it was hard to separate and define which craziness was the culprit at any given moment. I don’t even know if the loneliness is actually the main culprit.
I don’t know how far this goes. I don’t know if I’ll have one counseling sesh or meet with a counselor a few times a week which is kinda why I don’t want anyone caught in the crosshairs of this exciting (sarcasm) new stage. I am actually excited to talk to a counselor though because talking to people about my issues is my jam! Seriously. I’m being serious.
In any case, we’ll see what happens. It’s funny though, after living with MS for 5 years, you’d think I’d get over the stigma associated with disease. I still hate it. In my defense, I don’t think you ever stop hating seeing the pity in someone’s eyes when they hear about “your condition”. I bet that feeling never really goes away. You just get over it.
But to end this post on a high note: God is always awesome. That’s probably the best thing in the world, knowing that that statement is always true. It’s beautiful.