I just finished talking to C Rollz and Baby Cheeks. Those were, legit, two of the best conversations I’ve had all month.
Recently, I’ve been feeling really stressed about grad school applications. You’d think being rejected last year would make a second rejection easier this year easier but it really doesn’t. I’ve actually found it to be more stressful.
C Rollz, helped me to see how I was thinking wrong. “What if God brought you here, to Philly, but still doesn’t intend for you to go to grad school?” A question I never really thought of. I always figured either I made the right choice coming to Philly and “right choice” = grad school, or I made the wrong choice and “wrong choice” = some horrible other fate. I always think of life as so black and white, it’s hard for me to consider other alternatives.
Next, I got a crazy good pep talk from Baby Cheeks. She reminded me that even if I didn’t get into grad school, I wasn’t any less loved. What’s more, she enumerated all the ways God has been crazy awesome and faithful. Faithful. That’s a word I’ve been getting a lot. Probably because I haven’t been very faithful recently. A year ago, I didn’t expect to be at Penn studying Classics (only partly because I hadn’t applied). Honestly, I didn’t expect to graduate from Princeton (I always expected some crazy thing to happen at the last minute like I’d fail my thesis or die. I’m being serious. I legitimately expected at least one of these two things to happen to me before June 4). I have a really bad track record when it comes to my predictions of the future. God doesn’t.
Right now, I keep asking God to prove Himself to me. I want Him to show me I’ve made all the right choices and I’m on the right track. But God doesn’t need to prove Himself to me. He’s always been faithful. If anything, I should be the one proving myself to him because I’m pretty fickle and sometimes unreliable. God doesn’t owe me anything. He doesn’t owe me graduate school. He didn’t owe me a Princeton degree. He didn’t owe me acceptance into UPenn. He didn’t owe me a loving family. He didn’t owe me amazing friends. He doesn’t owe me anything.
What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?
That’s always been one of my fave verses. It’s a good one to remember.