Quiet and Lonely

Or rather, alone.

As I was walking back from 30th Street Station those two words permeated my thoughts. “Now life can be quiet and lonely.” After a long and fun weekend of entertaining guests and hanging out with friends, I’m extremely happy to spend this next week alone.

It’s something that I guess people don’t really understand about me, and I find it hard to articulate, but I really enjoy being alone. In fact, a large part of my prayer time recently has been spent asking God if my enjoyment of that life is good or if I should actually make a more concerted effort to build and establish relationships with the people around me. If I’m not playing the game I don’t want it to be for fear of striking out, I want it to be because I’ve found something better to do.

During undergrad, I had a growing case of FOMO. Like many millennials, I hated knowing that my friends were having fun with each other without me. In fact, I hated the idea that people didn’t spend their time just thinking about me and how I would make a situation more fun. It’s really funny too, because I’m not an especially fun person. I think I’m the 3rd most fun person in my family. But FOMO just creates this (unhealthy) desire to always be wanted. It’s not fun.

On the other hand, this quiet and lonesome life that I’m experiencing now is super freeing. I know my friends are having fun without me and I don’t really care. I see people that I want to see, when I want to see them and life is good.

I like this life where everyone and everything is close enough but nothing is too close. I don’t know what that says about me emotionally though, maybe that I like to keep people at bay. I don’t think that’s true though.

In any case, I’m glad a close friend of mine is dropping by in a few weeks. I like seeing my friends. Especially since, of all my friends, she would probably understand this best. She’s way more introverted than I am. Anyway, this desire for quietude and solitude may be one of my specific imperfections that the pastor was talking about yesterday but it may not be. i guess time will tell.

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