Going Back, Looking Ahead

The last few weeks have been pretty crazy but today I’m finally moving out to Philly. It’s only fitting that right before I start this new chapter I would come back and (kind of but not really) closed the previous one.

I’m sitting in R Deezy’s room, looking out over the Scully courtyard and thinking about the past and next 24 hours. The past hours were filled with reconnections, froyo talks, Frist meals, and nice walk back up campus (where it really all began). The next will be filled with classes, building new friendships, organizing a new apartment, and starting life away from home. Away from both my homes.

Coming on campus yesterday, everything felt familiar. But as I walked around more and more, it felt less like home. Even when I first stepped in Rocky-Mathey territory there was an excited sense of familiarity but a growing sense of foreignness.

I love the people here. I love that they’ve been such amazing friends to me. I love that they welcome me back on campus with open arms. I love them so much*. And I love knowing that they’re close by, only a weekend trip away. I love these people because they feel like home.

I was talking to Ali over froyo, catching up and sharing life stories, and she dropped so much wisdom on me. One thing I really love about talking with her is that it feels comfortable, I feel like I can be honest with her. I feel like I can be real with her. I like that.

And staying with Vonny D has been fantastic. I love that girl. She’s honestly one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. And she cares*.  And she understands. And she’s always been that way. And I love that about her.

But the time for nostalgia is almost over. When you’re too busy looking back you can’t deal with what’s happening ahead of you. It’s time for an end to all the apprehension, all the fear, all the anxiety, all the general lack of trust*. God got me through Princeton, He can surely get me through this next year of my life.

Part of me hopes I can just keep my head down and throttle through this year. Part of me hopes I’ll just come out on the other side of it better, stronger, smarter, wiser, braver, kinder and more loving. Part of me hopes I can just drown out all the static and background noise that’s been in my brain for the last few months and weeks – the worries, the questions, the fears – and make it out alive and no worse for wear. But another part of me has a feeling that it won’t be that easy. That scares me and excites me.

So I’m glad I came back. I’m sure I’ll be back here before too long (though I’m very slowly learning to not dictate future situations by my present feelings). But it’s this time – this moment when I’m right on the cusp, right on the precipice of something completely new – this time feels especially important. So I’m thankful to everyone who was there when I went back because in their own way they made it a little easier for me to look ahead.

 

*Even though I don’t condone drinking games, I think it would be funny if someone made a drinking-game-like-thing (maybe a high-fiving game?) for every time I started tearing up while writing a post about certain topics. Maybe you’d high five more when certain styles were employed (repetition/tri-colon are good ones to look at). It would add a whole new dimension to this blog. Or maybe I should just not try to humorify my more vulnerable moments. I don’t know, both options seem decent to me.

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