Fortunately I have some more of the latter though I’m still left with a lot of the former.
For me, writing has always been a cathartic thing. Like I said before, it gives me the best option to get my feelings out there and tell the truth. Usually when I have something important to say to someone I write it. That goes for God too. Honestly, when I speak out prayers, my thoughts wander and I lose track of what I’m saying or to whom I’m saying it. But if I just write the stuff out, everything important gets said.
Anyway, I find writing cathartic and helpful for me. For instance, after writing my last post, my head was much clearer and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I can’t say I called up all of my Princeton friends to chat because I didn’t, in fact I turned one down for a Skype sesh the next day, but I’ve felt much better since then. And I’ve felt like I’ve gotten some answers (I keep getting random, helpful life advice from strangers. It’s very cool). The other good thing about writing is that it memorializes whatever attitude you have at the time and so I can look back at something I’ve written with hindsight and be able to recognize things in myself that I couldn’t see before I had written it.
I say all of this – stuff about catharsis and memorials – because there’s one question I’ve been dying to ask out loud for the past few days. I don’t know the answer to it and I don’t know if the answer matters that much but whatevs. First a little bit of background though.
A month ago, a lot of things felt like a big deal. I’ve already mentioned them in my most recent post so I won’t say much more about them. Anyway, it wasn’t until recently that I realized how affected I was by the “break” I’m on. I’ve only broken up with someone once before but this felt a lot like that. Except worse because when I broke up with Anthony I wasn’t really that invested in the relationship. I wasn’t a great girlfriend…
Anyway, it felt a lot like how I imagine a real break-up would feel a.k.a painful at first. I think this is the reason some couples end up being on-again-off-again. Because it’s so easy to remember the pain you feel right after things have ended and not remember the pain you felt that brought you to this end. I’m not saying what I felt is the exact same thing (it felt like a break-up but that doesn’t mean it was one) but I find it a little easier to empathize with other peeps now, especially Ravonne. For Ravonne, the worst part was always that she had lost her best friend not just her boyfriend. That can be a really devastating thing.
So the question that has sprung up for me is one that I think people often ask after a break-up. What went wrong and how can I fix it next time? I was talking to Brenda and she gave me some good advice about this and other questions like it. My natural inclination is to sweep these questions under the rug and ignore them until they go away (it has never worked but I always try it). Instead she recommended I let my questioning run its course and let myself be sad. *I should add that I don’t know why I still talk to Brenda considering the fact that I try to stay away from talking to anyone else. I hope we stay friends for a long time though.*
When I did that, I was left with this single question that summed up all my thoughts. When we first decided to stop talking – that day – we had some of the best conversations we had had in a year. At least I thought we did. Maybe that’s why I was so optimistic when all the talking was done. I had felt like we said a lot of important stuff, we were honest with each other, and things just felt better. Like a huge weight had been lifted. And then I started wondering, Why hadn’t we talked like that before? What if we had? What if we talked like that right now? That’s what I’m left asking myself now.
Usually if I ask myself questions, I already know the answer. But those last few questions that I keep asking myself are ones I honestly don’t know the answers to. Sometimes I think that if we had kept having honest conversations like that, things would have worked themselves out. Sometimes I think that it would have just degenerated into a horrible, horrible thing where we would hate talking to each other because every time we did it would mean discussing something painful and annoying. Because that’s kind of how it was most of the year. But kind of different too. Like, most of the year when we talked it was, hey, let’s troubleshoot this problem or figure out our differences or try to attack the symptoms. The last time it felt different though. The last time there was no agenda or anything, just real, honest conversation.
I don’t know though. I have no idea what the answer is to my question. The one thing that makes me lean to the option of more honest conversation is the one thing I can’t bring myself to forget because it hurt so much to hear. The thing about trust. At first it hurt because it made me sad that I hurt someone but then it hurt because it made me sad that I didn’t know about it for so long. Honestly, I don’t remember when I said it, although I do recall saying it, so sometimes I think, how would the year have been different if we had just talked about how much it hurt soon after I’d said it? How much did this, either knowingly or unknowingly, change how you felt towards me and how much did that change contribute to all the problems along the way?
Those are probably questions I won’t know the answer to for a while, if ever. But I’m glad that I wrote them. Not because I think now I’ll get some magic answer from the internet (the internet is very smart) but because now I feel a little more exposed, in a good way. Even if no one ever reads this, the fact that I am now a little less guarded than I was an hour ago is a good thing. Or better yet, the fact that I’ve let go of something that’s been weighing heavy on me for the past few days feels good. I can finally let God have it. It’s too much for me anyway.
I guess this is the start of a more honest blogging experience. I imagine everything won’t be this serious though. I feel like I’ve written those exact words before though, so we’ll see what actually happens. In the meantime, I think I’m gonna start (creative) writing again. I don’t think I’m particularly gifted at poetry so I try to stay away from it but the first post is an old poem I wrote. Good times. Also, this post is so long. I’m so sorry, Internet.