I considered not posting for a while. I recognize I’m not in a great place. I also sometimes feel beholden to this blog. It offers me the best opportunity to write my feelings out but I sometimes feel like I’m saying the right things instead of saying true things. The odd thing about writing personal stuff on the internet is that you’re writing for yourself and for (potentially) millions of people all at the same time.
I talked to Ravonne the other day. I was kind of excited to because I thought it would be good but kind of not excited because I don’t really want to talk to anyone right now. After we had some awkward conversation for a while I noted that I wasn’t upset that I didn’t make it to my friend’s wedding because I didn’t want to be at a wedding feeling the way I felt now. She agreed that I sounded rather dull and that my sarcasm had reached new heights since she had last talked to me a month ago. I apologized because I didn’t want to sound rude and because I knew she was telling the truth. When she got off the phone she told me she’d talk to me soon. I didn’t want to do that. But I didn’t tell her that.
Honestly, I don’t want to talk to anyone from Princeton. I think it’s the combination of a lot of things. It’s not knowing what I’m doing with my life, it’s missing school and wanting to not go back at the same time, it’s the fact that I’m not talking to my best friend which is far more saddening than I thought it would be a month ago, and it’s partially the feeling that everyone else’s life is going fine and no one is affected by these things. I guess that’s why I deactivated my Facebook account. I didn’t want to see all the pictures of everyone’s awesome lives. Or pretend awesome lives.
So you can imagine, this has left me with a lot of good stuff to talk to God about. I basically ask God all the questions all the time. And try to find ways to avoid talking to my Princeton friends. Usually the questions for God are like, You know my life sucks right now, right? or what are You going to do about it? I guess those aren’t PC questions though. Usually my thoughts are, If I can make it out of the summer, everything will be good. I think I tell myself that because sometimes I’m mentally planning a trip to Europe that would start in September. I’d be able to brush up on my French.
The thing is, at the end of the day, I just feel stupid. Because I’m the only one in my house stressed out about my future, I’m the one who thinks that I’m not doing the right things, I’m the one who doesn’t want to talk to my friends and I’m probably part of the reason I’m having such a hard time. I’m hoping this will be one of those things where, come September (or January or next June or whenever) I’ll look back at this time of my life and smh at myself. Because it sucks to know that my friends can hear my dissatisfaction in my voice over the phone or that my sister has to ask me if I’m OK because I’ve been acting stressed out over the last few weeks.
Idk, I guess I just feel weak and out of control. I know that those are two good qualities in the Kingdom of God but I’m just not used to them. I don’t mind feeling weak on a small scale or being out of control on a small scale but now that that’s my daily life it’s a little scary. I just lied. It’s extremely scary.
I guess it’s just one of those days.
But then this. I like reading this.