After finishing a chapter yesterday (still riding the high from that!) I’ve started reading my primary source more thoroughly and working on a midterm paper for another class. I’m also tweaking the early pages of my screenplay. Update: My advisor just emailed me back about my draft and it looks like I still have some work to do. I think that previous high is wearing off right about now.
Recently, I’ve been having weird dreams about forgetting my prox and being locked out of places. It’s really odd. It’s also really scary to be locked out of someplace that you are usually able to get into.
I’ve been spending more time in the library recently which means spending less time doing other things. It seems like a fair trade. I’m kind of at this place where I just want to move on with my life, get out of Princeton, meet new people, make new friends, do new things, and cut the cord. I guess I’m speaking from a place of exhaustion and I realize my feelings may change at any minute but there’s a part of me, at least over the past few days, that can’t help but think I’ll be leaving Princeton not much different from the way I came in. There’s a part of me that has a lot of regret over some of the decisions I made, especially during sophomore and junior year. There’s a part of me that wishes I hadn’t been so headstrong or stubborn or selfish. There’s a part of me that thinks, at least in this moment, that if I could go back and do it differently, I really would. There’s a part of me that’s sad that I can’t.
I really have loved my time at Princeton and it’s certainly not over yet. I learned a lot. I met some brilliant people. I took classes I liked (and didn’t like). I did some new things. But for the time being, it feels like I lost a lot more than I had previously thought and what I gained instead wasn’t really worth it.
It’s like the short parable that Jesus tells about the man who finds the hidden treasure in the field, sells all he has and buys the field. I feel like the opposite of that man. I feel like I found a hidden treasure, but not truly knowing what it was I spurned it and went back to something I thought might be better.
I don’t know what my life will look like 10 years from now. I don’t think it will be the way I pictured it 3.5 years ago and I don’t think it’ll be the way I pictured it 1.5 years ago. And right now, at least in this moment, that makes me a little sad.
Like I said before, I know things look bad sometimes and I know my feelings may change in a week but I really do think I messed up. Letting go and leaving Princeton might just be the cowardly solution but right now it seems like the only one available to me. This may sound like one of those “greener on the other side” posts but I don’t think it is. Maybe I’ll be able to use the next few months (weeks really) to right some of my wrongs. Maybe things can be a little better. Maybe my time here won’t have been all for naught. Maybe I’ll leave Princeton different from how I came in.