Desperate Times

You know the saying. I know the problems that I’m facing but I don’t know the solutions. Or better put, I know that I’m the problem but I can only think of external solutions.

I think this blog might even be one of those problems. So maybe ending it may be on of those solutions. At least for now.

When I first (re)started this blog, it was more like a way for me to express my gratitude and hopefully learn a little through my troubles. I wanted to write for the world and for no one and I wanted to speak the truth. Now when I write, I’m dreadfully aware of the audience. Sometimes I decide what I will or will not say based on how I think it may be received. And other times I write what I don’t want to say, but know I should. And in doing this, I’ve legitimately lost sight of what’s admirable and excellent and praiseworthy, and I’ve settled for much less.

In a way, this blog has become a way for me to exacerbate my already detrimental disease of idolatry. Whether I’m complaining or rejoicing, I choose to share that with the internet rather than with God. And it’s started to affect my spiritual life. Whereas I previously used this space to supplement my times with God, I use it now to replace those times. And in the meantime, those idols of friendship, ego, success, and even pain (in an odd way), grow as my ability to combat them wanes. I’m spent.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about these idols – I know that I owe huge apologies for the one-sided friendships I’ve engaged in over the past few months (or years). I don’t know how to change and I don’t know that it won’t be painful but I do feel like taking away this odd space on the internet where I reveal more about myself than I would anywhere in real life may be the beginning of something good.

So much of me wants to restart some of those friendships. I know I did them wrong and I know that I hurt so many people and I know that I can’t take back the last year of my life. And honestly, more than anything, I’ve been so sinful. Letting friendship consume my thoughts to the point of stress isn’t wrong because friendship is supposed to be easy, it’s wrong because friendship is not the number one most important thing in my life. God is. But I think I’ve really lost sight of that. And that breaks my heart so much, I don’t think words could ever really explain it.

I didn’t start this post intending to take a hiatus from this blog. So when this post is all said and done, that will be the one thing I miss about it. It’s what I loved in the beginning and what I haven’t had in a while. It’s that moment, when I’m typing up what I think I’m going to say, where all of a sudden things change. I’m pretty sure it’s a God thing.

I could write so much more – part of me wants to – but I won’t. I’ll end this the way I end almost every important conversation: leaving things left unsaid and questions still left to be answered. I don’t do it purposely but it’s bound to happen. So adios internet! Peace out errybody! Goodbye blog!

Until we meet again.

 

The Peace, Joy, and Love of Christ

DJP

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